Somewhere in LA there is a band, so bad, so dangerous, and so goddamn good that when they play the gods cry tears of gold.
That band is Metalachi and they are available for weddings, bar mitzvah’s and funerals. Flush the Fashion grabbed the bulls by the horn.
Warning: Not everything in this interview make sense!
Just so we are clear, are you guys a mariachi band or a heavy metal band?
RAMON: Both. We are the world’s first and only heavy metal mariachi band.
Much like my penis, it really has to be seen and felt in order to really grasp the enormous amount of pleasure that it consistently brings really, really hot women.
That analogy doesn’t really even make sense. I’m pretty sure your only talking about your penis now.
RAMON: Right you are hommie.
VEGA: What my brother is trying to say is we take classic heavy metal songs and give’em a “south of the border” punch in the huevos. Out comes a something that is truly unique and unlike anything else you have ever
RAMON: Also like my penis.
So you’re all brothers right? What was it like growing up together?
EL CUCY: Well we were very poor, so my younger brothers got a lot of my hand-me-downs cause there was not a lot to go around.
PONCHO: Yea, the Espinoza family condom is mine now but in a few years I will pass it down to RAMON, just like my brothers before me. Man if old “el caliente” could talk, the stories it could tell.
You guys are kinda known for your onstage antics? Care to explain the patented Metalachi crotcharita?
MAXIMILIAN: Simple. We invite a sexy, young senorita with well developed chi chis to join us as we graciously make her a delicious margarita live on stage.
But where does the crotch part come in?
VEGA: That’s what she said! (air drums a cymbal crash)
MAXIMILIAN: Well, for pending legal reasons we are not allowed to elaborate too much on the subject.
PONCHO: Let’s just say it involves fresh limes and the uncanny coincidence
that El Cucy’s codpiece just happens to double as a fruit juicer.
Any plans to cut a record in the pipeline?
EL CUCUY: Right now we are happy with just rocking out our live shows and being just generally awesome.
RAMON: It’s really a lot of pressure because we are constantly getting comments like “you guys are the best band to ever live”, “I literally just had a full body orgasm just by whispering the name Metalachi” and “the court order clearly states you can’t be within 50ft. of me”. So to cut an album to live up to those expectations is kind of heavy.
What is your favorite song in your set and are you working on any new songs at the moment?
MAXIMILIAN: The Metallica mashup is my personal favorite but our version of ‘Living on a Prayer’ is quickly becoming a crowd favorite.
PONCHO: We try to bust out a new song every gig so there are always new surprises in the works.
Vega, you look vaguely familiar. Where do I know you from?
VEGA: You look familiar too. Do I know you? You probably recognize me from my recurring role as Vega on the hit FOX TV series “COPS”.
When you guys are not on stage or in the studio how do you like to spend your time?
PONCHO: RAMON is really into card games, you know like poker, gin rummy and one.
RAMON: Yes, ONE is my favorite. I kick some major ass at ONE.
RAMON: Sorry ese, I think you guys call it UNO.
El CUCY: I have amassed a collection of over 2000 trumpets that I am plan to assemble into one giant “mega trumpet” capable of dismantling entire cites and rendering Lady Gaga powerless.
Where is the best place to get Mexican food in LA? and what dish should I order?
VEGA: There is this little place in East LA we know. There is no sign you
just knock on this unmarked door and ask for “smily”. It’s kinda pricey but well worth it.
MAXIMILIAN: My favorite is the Bald eagle chili verde. It reminds me of Mexico but tastes like delicious freedom…and freedom isn’t free.
Favorite TV show?
VEGA: “COPS” obviously.
PONCHO: Local Los Angeles news. Well, just the weather forecast. Have you seen the tits on those chicas?
RAMON: That shake weight commercial. I like to light a few candles
and set back with a nice bottle of wine. Mmmmmmm, that’s what i’m talking about!
EL CUCY: It use to be “TO CATCH A PREDATOR” but I eventually gave up on the show. I have seen probably 20 episodes and they have yet to kill a lion or even trap a coyote. Chris Hansen never even leaves the damn house! How are you gonna put down a wild grizzly from a pantry in Des Moines. I mean really….and you’ll never take any wild game with a yappy kid snacking on Teddy Grahams right there in the open. It’s just frustrating!
VEGA: Easy El Cucy….Eaaaasy.
Where do you think destiny will take Metalachi?
El CUCY: Destiny will take us basically where ever we need to go, except for Friday and Saturday nights.
RAMON: Those are her big money nights.
MAXIMILIAN: I think Sable just got her license back and she has lots of free time since she fell off the pole and punctured a boob. Maybe she can drive.
PONCHO: Good call Max, that chicas loco. She’s down for whatever.
Mmmm, No. I mean what do you think the future holds for Metalachi?
EL CUCY: Why didn’t you say that?
VEGA: …and how do you know Destiny? I knew I knew you from somewhere vato.