2011: The Year of Remakes and Sequels? Part 3: Films That Should Never Have Been Attempted

This brings us to the bottom of the entertainment barrel- a list of movie remakes and sequels that personally, I don’t think should even have been made in the first place.

Many of these need no explanation as to why they made this list of mine, though they make me feel like the producers, writers, actors, and directors owe me an explanation as to what exactly the Hell they were thinking!


Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Release Date: 7/1/11 Genre: Sci-Fi, Action
Michael Bay returns with the third installment of lucrative CGI-crazy franchise. This time, the Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and learn its secrets, which could turn the tide in the Transformers’ final battle.”

Because the second “Transformers” movie was just so amazing we needed a third. Right.

Conan the Barbarian
Release Date: 8/19/11 Genre: Action
Jason Momoa stars in the tale of Conan the Cimmerian, and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.”

The original may not have been that good but it’s still a classic, and anytime you mess with a classic you’re treading on dangerous ground.

Fright Night
Release Date: 8/19/11 Genre: Horror
Colin Farrell stars in Fright Night, a remake of the infamous ’80s comedy-horror about a teenager and his vampire neighbor.”

(See above re: classics)

Piranha 3DD
Release Date: 9/16/11 Genre: Horror
“Last summer’s breakout critical and commercial horror hit Piranha 3D spawns this sequel which returns Ving Rhames as Deputy Fallon for more bloody mayhem.”

This may end up being gory, sexy, fun-time like the first one or the original but I still have to put it in this category in order to be technically accurate, but movies that suck can still be fun!

Final Destination

Final Destination
Release Date: 8/26/11 Genre: Horror
“Sam Lawton (Nicholas D’Agosto) has a premonition about the bridge he is on collapsing, killing him and many around him. As the vision becomes reality, Sam manages to save himself and a few others… all in glorious 3D!”

It’s “Final Destination 5”- the name pretty much says it all.

Release Date: 10/14/11 Genre: Musical, Drama
“In this re-make of the 1984 musical dramaedy, Julianne Hough, Kenny Wormald and Dennis Quaid take on the roles made famous by Kevin Bacon, Lori Singer and John Lithgow, respectively. Ready to cut loose?”

Not only do I find this remake unnecessary but its very existence offends me. Now there will be entire generations of young movie-goers who will never see the original, superior version and come to appreciate the love we all have for Kevin Bacon! It hasn’t even been that long! So very, very, lame- right up there with “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.”

Paranormal Activity 3
Release Date: 10/21/11 Genre: Horror
“Expect more of the same scares from this horror franchise starring Katie Featherstone, which ousted Saw as the new go-to Halloween franchise.”

A third “Paranormal Activity” movie?? What activity is even left!? Evil ghosts drink the last of the milk and put the empty carton back in the fridge? Repeatedly put the toilet seat up? Take ridiculously long showers that use up all the hot water then leave the wet towels on the floor??

Spy Kids 4
Release Date: 8/19/11 Genre: Family, Action, Fantasy
“The latest entry in Robert Rodriguez’s Spy Kids franchise adds Jessica Alba as a retired spy for the OSS (Organization of Super Spies) which has since become the world’s top spy agency and former headquarters of the now-defunct Spy Kids division. When the world is threatened by Jeremy Piven, Alba is called back to lead the OSS and save the world.”

I love Robert Rodriguez but any kids “franchise” that has a fourth installment seems questionable to me the same way that strait-to-DVD Disney movies are questionable; they usually suck.

Alvin and the Chipmunks 3D
Release Date: 12/16/11 Genre: Family, Animation
“The third installment in the CGI chipmunks franchise finds Alvin and crew on vacation aboard a luxury cruise ship before they become ‘chipwrecked’ on a desert island. While stranded, they embark on an island adventure with their new friend – a castaway who’s more than a match for Alvin and the Chipmunks… and this time, it’s all in 3D!”

This movie was made to personally torment me every time I have to baby-sit my cousins. Its purpose is to make my life a high-pitched living Hell- in 3D. I’m being punished for making my parents watch the cartoon when I was a kid and for giving a copy of the soundtrack to Jessie for her birthday, ignoring the obvious pain it would inflict upon her parents and anyone else who rides in the car with her. This is my Karma coming back to me. I apologize to everyone else who now has to suffer because of it too.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Release Date: 11/18/11 Genre: Fantasy, Romance
“Bella’s (Kristin Stewart) choice to become a vampire and spend eternity with Edward (Robert Pattinson) has some serious repercussions! After planning the most anticipated wedding in all of Forks, the couple has to deal with the Volturi, treaty complications with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and starting a family of their own.”

Last but certainly not least on my list is the unlikely selection “Breaking Dawn Pt. 1” of the so-called Twilight Saga. This goes on my list because I hate these movies almost as much as I hate the books and find both to be literally detrimental to the minds of young women as well as society as a whole.

The story is poorly conceived with multiple plot-holes and messages to viewers that I find sickening. The acting is terrible- particularly Kristin Stewart. Ugh, I could go on but I think you get the picture.

What’s more, this will probably be the biggest movie of the whole damn year thanks to all the millions of dedicated Twi-tards. From the obnoxious 12-year-old girls in their Team Jacob shirts, to the uber-creepy 30-year-old women who fantasize about a controlling psycho permanently trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy, all the crazies will come out to play and throw their money at this franchise on November 18th.

I pity anything else opening that weekend because there is nothing that could get me to go near a movie theatre and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person who feels that way.

The Last Installment….. Hey look new stuff!